A letter to my girls

Someday, my baby girls, I hope you'll read this.   Mommy and Daddy traveled around the world, twice, to find you.   It's been a tough journey.   Physically and emotionally, a tough journey.    But know this - we did it because we love you.   Cassie, we've had you now for 9 months.   Chloe, for 6 days.    And we love you both.   That may seem odd to you.   How could we possibly already love you?    Maybe you'll understand some day; maybe not.    But we do.   We loved you before we ever set eyes upon you.    We loved the dream of you.    We loved the thought of you.    We just didn't know you, which is the odd part.

 

Cassie, when you joined our family, you were a scared little girl who didn't know who we were or why we were there.    You REALLY didn't like Daddy at first, and only began to trust him a few months after you met him.   That made Daddy sad, but he understood.  Poor Mommy wasn't allowed to even leave the room for several weeks.   That meant bathroom breaks were few and far between.   Showers were a luxury.  As tough as this was on Mommy and Daddy, we know it was much tougher on you.    We didn't even really know who you were until several months after you came home.   Now that we've figured you out, you surprise us every day with the things you learn, and the way you interact with the world.    You've already shown us that you are wicked smart, and are going to give us a run for our money some day soon.    Until then, we fear the day that you choose to replay, in public, some thing Mommy said to Daddy or Daddy said to Mommy when we didn't think you were listening.    Every experienced parent tells us that "your kids are ALWAYS listening".   We weren't always sure with you, especially since you didn't understand English when you came to us.   But you've shown us that you are listening, so now it is up to us to make sure you hear the right things.    (If you're listening now - Daddy wants new golf clubs.  Mommy wants chocolate.   I'm just saying.)     The big surprise about you has been the strength of your personality.   You definitely prefer to be in control of the world around you, and you are not shy about insisting that the world conforms to your needs.    You do not put up with anything less that you deserve.    Please don't EVER give up that trait.    We'll probably try to soften the rough edges a bit, if you'll let us.    But keep doing what you're doing, and when it comes time to decide whether you're the bug or the windshield, you'll be the windshield every time.   God help anyone who stands in your way.    In a few short years, Daddy will be meeting your boyfriends at the door with a stern look or perhaps even a shotgun but in the back of his head, he'll know that none of that will ever be necessary.   You'll chew up those poor boys and spit them out.

 

Chloe, when you joined our family, you were a soft cuddly little girl who seemed to love everyone and fear no one.   You were everybody's favorite little girl at the orphanage.   You give kisses out when asked.    You let both Mommy and Daddy hold you, comfort you, clean you, and feed you.    You are very easy going.   The only thing that makes you upset is when you are sick.    And Mommy and Daddy started you off the wrong way.   We fed you formula that made your stomach feel bad, and you tried to tell us by crying for hours and hours, and having several really messy accidents.    But we figured it out pretty quickly, and you were better within a few days.    We know we'll continue to make mistakes with you, all the way until you get married and move away (hopefully when your 30 or older).    We hope you'll continue to be that easy-going girl that you are, and that you'll understand, and work with us.   

 

At the moment, Cassie, you don't really know whether or not you like your sister.   She's a playmate, and that's pretty neat.   But she also demands some of Mommy's time, and that's not so neat.   But Mommy has enough love for both of you, and I think you'll figure that out soon enough.  Chloe, you keep on trying with Cassie, and you don't seem to care that she doesn't always like you.    That's part of your special charm.   In your own way, you too have decided that you're going to get what you want.   Right now, you want Cassie to be your friend.    Because of the way you do the things you do, I think you'll get your wish.    Mommy and Daddy will be there to help that happen.

 

Right now, Mommy and Daddy are wondering just how we'll find the strength to do all the things we need to do to give you the lives you deserve.   We believe God will give us the strength and guidance we need.    He's done it so far, and that's led us to you.    We haven't earned the privilege to become your parents, and don't deserve the honor.   God's grace has brought us to you, and you to us..    We're still going to do everything we can to come close. 

 

We love you both.   Whatever may have transpired between the time of this writing and the distant future which finds you reading this post, know that through it all, we love you both.   Everything we've done along the way is a direct result of that, even the horrible mistakes we are bound to make.   And yes, that probably includes Daddy's attempts to intimidate your prospective boyfriends. 

 

Halfway there - we've made it to Guangzhou

We've made it to Guangzhou.   We received Chloe's passport 1:30pm Friday.   We needed to get her passport in her home (i.e. birthplace) province before traveling to Guangzhou.    For casual followers, there are U.S. Consulate offices is many cities across China.   But only one of those offices has the authority to issue entry visas to the United States, and that office is located in Guangzhou.   Chloe, while officially ours in the eyes of China as of Tuesday February 2, is still a Chinese citizen.   The fact that she is our daughter does not automatically make her a U.S. citizen, so she cannot simply board a plane to the U.S. like any U.S. citizen.     She must be granted an entry visa, and that will happen here in Guangzhou.

 

Guangzhou, or at least Shamian Island which is located in Guangzhou, is something of a home away from home for us.  We've been here twice.   It is a highly westernized location.  We built a family in this city.    It feels like we are half-way home, even though we still are 19+ hours of plane ride and untold hours of layover away from home.

 

It's been a difficult couple of days.   Chloe came down with a monster case of diarrhea, complete with diaper blowout.   A few incidents were so bad that we decided to cut her clothes off, rather than pull them off and dragging fresh awful all over her in the process.   Yuck.    But we have come to the conclusion that the issue is lactose intolerance, a fairly common problem for Chinese people.    Cassie has no issues, but Chloe apparently does.   We've switched her to soy-based formula as of today.   The next few days will be telling.    There is a doctor's clinic located right in our hotel, and we are prepared with a handful of electrolyte delivery options, so we'll be ok one way or another.

 

I meant to post a few new pics last night, but we were locked in a knock-down, drag-out battle with Chloe to get her to sleep.   When she finally settled down, I started to type up a post, but she started fussing, so I called it quits for the evening.

 

Once again, we're exhausted, so only a few pics tonight.  

Newest member of the family - taking a snooze. As you can see, she's sweating. It's about 50 degrees outside but we've got her dressed for winter in the Arctic circle. Better that than being acosted by the self-appointed clothing police, who are EVERYWHERE. Any person walking the street takes it upon themselves to point out to us that anything less than 19 million layers of clothing will likely lead to instant death for the child, or worse. When in Rome...

A few seconds before or after the previous photo. There's Dadda wearing his fall coat and his favorite accessory, a cute little girl named Cassie.

Here's the sibling rivalry in action. Chloe on the left has a bag of goodies. Cassie is eyeing it, thinking about snatching it away. Meanwhile, the balance of toys is heavily tilted in Cassie's favor. She's even got two "Violets", the stuffed purple puppy. This is a work in progress

Rivalry update

Yesterday's post was part of the "keeping it real" series started several months ago.   It's not all sunshine and butterflies, as we like to say around here.    But occasionally a sunbathed butterfly does grace us with its presence, and we do take note.    This so-called sibling rivalry isn't really a rivalry yet because Chloe isn't fighting back.   Cassie is trying to stake her claim to a resource that until Monday was 100% hers.   Chloe never thought it was hers, so she's not fighting for it.   Yet.    

 

And even for Cassie it's not a 24x7 throwdown.   Cassie also has her tender moments with her new sister.   She truly is the "big" sister in many ways.   She towers over Chloe by 3 or 4 inches.    She is stronger, more coordinated, and more in tune with her surroundings.   Cassie "gets" gravity, while gravity still "gets" Chloe.   Cassie literally runs circles around her sister.   But she also "helps" her.    Cassie tries to brush Chloe's teeth.    She pets her hair and slowly says "nice" (something we taught her to do with Tehya, the faithful family Doberman).   Cassie feeds Chloe, helps her stand, and laughs when Chloe laughs, cries when Chloe cries.   

 

And then every once in a while, she'll swipe a toy or a bite of food.    So this is a work in progress.    If yesterday was D-Day, then today was Armistice Day.   Yeah, I know - I'm mixing wars, but hopefully you get my drift.

 

 

On to other news...

In addition to visiting Chloe's orphanage, we also visited her finding place.   Chloe was left in the ladies bathroom on the first floor of the administration building of a local children's hospital.   She was dressed in pink, wrapped in a red & white checked blanket, with 500 Yuan (roughly $70).    This is a very busy hospital, and the bathroom is the only one on that floor.   What does this mean?   Think about it for a moment.   The birth mother could have chosen not to leave money with Chloe.   Why would she leave money with her?   Probably so that whoever found her would have that money to help care for her.    Why would she leave her in a busy hospital?    What better place?   Chloe needed medical attention.   She had a cleft palate which meant that she could not suckle.   The birth mother most likely decided that she was in over her head but still wanted the best for her child.   She made the decision she thought was best for Chloe.    That means she cared about her child.   That knowledge doesn't really change anything for us as adoptive parents.    We can't control her past.   We must instead give her the best possible future.   However, one day Chloe will grow up and she will likely have questions about her origin.    This information, however meager, may help answer some of her questions.    And in case you're wondering - "why the restroom?"    Well, that's probably the easiest question to answer.    Abandoning a child is illegal in China.   You can't walk into the hospital and set a baby down in the waiting room in front of a hundred witnesses.    The fact that there is risk involved for the mother makes it all the more apparent that her choice of a busy hospital had specific intent, which was for the benefit of the child.

 

That's all for now.  

Important People

Today we visited the orphanage where Chloe lived until Monday of this week.   When you adopt from China, your life as a family - Day 1 - begins on gotcha day.   But the child's life begins much earlier than that, and that leaves an unknown history for parents to ponder.   What was my baby doing the day before we arrived.   Was she happy?   Sad?   Warm?   Cold?    Did she have friends?    Did she like the people who took care of her?    How did she get to the orphanage?   What happened before that?   Why?

 

So many questions.   

 

The cold hard fact is that we don't get to know most of the facts.   We are left to speculate.   A person could drive themself crazy thinking too much about this.   In some cases, we pick up bits and pieces of information that allow us to draw inferences about life before Day 1.   If we are fortunate, those bits and pieces paint a pleasant picture, or at least a more pleasant picture than we might imagine in the absence of specific information.    What we learned today made us feel fortunate.   

 

Chloe had many nannies at her orphanage.   We met seven of them today.   To see their faces light up when they came into the room was to see everything.   These women loved our little girl, and they could not conceal that fact today.   And lest one think that they might have been putting on a show for us, Chloe put the lie to that.   She lit up the biggest smile she has in her arsenal when she saw her nannies.   That was more than we could have hoped to have witnessed today, and made us feel very good.

 

One nanny in particular was very special to Chloe, and her name is Chen Ling.    Chen Ling is the nanny who presented Chloe to us on gotcha day, and appears to have been her primary caregiver.    Chen Ling is part of Half The Sky, which is a charitable organization that specializes in working with orphaned children in China.    Chen Ling clearly loved Chloe.   We won't go into details about everything we saw but we can say that she cried when it was time to leave on gotcha day.   Caught up in the moment, we missed that photo opportunity.   Out of respect for her, we would not be posting it here if we had captured it.   

 

Instead, we'll include only a single photo of her.   

 

 

A Note about Half The Sky:

We heard about Half The Sky a few years ago, and chose to "sponsor" a child through Half The Sky.   That child has since graduated the program, and we are now on to our second sponsored child.   It turns out that Chloe was also a sponsored child.   We can't know who is on the other end of that arrangement, but we can always hope that they are reading this blog.   If you are reading this - THANK YOU!    Know that we are paying it forward by continuing to sponsor a child.    

 

Speaking of paying it forward, we had an opportunity to do that today.    A few months ago, some adoptive parents visited Chloe's orphanage, much like we did today.   We had connected with them through one of the many online adoption communities, and they agreed to try to get pictures and an update on Chloe while they were there.   We received those pictures the next day, which gave us some valuable information (e.g. clothes sizes) for our upcoming trip, as well as an emotional lifeline - seeing new pictures of our baby while we sit through the agonizing wait.    Today we were able to do the same favor for two families who are currently waiting for paperwork to be completed before they can come get their children.    We can only hope that the information we provided gives them the same comfort it gave us when we received it.

 

Sibling rivalry is the pits

We've had a challenging 24 hours. Cassie has decided that she doesn't want to share anything. She has also decided to be mad at Momma. Everything Momma does is wrong. Everything. OK – Momma is allowed to breathe. But touching things? No. Picking up Cassie? No. Putting her down? No. Suggest this? No. Offer that? No. And the reaction is not just a simple no. It's a full blown meltdown, complete with thrashing, swinging arms, and screaming. Dadda feels bad for Momma. He knows the spot she's in because he's there approximately every 28 days or so. That might be a teensy weensy exaggeration but every man knows that feeling. You're just wrong, and any attempt to fix it just makes it worse. Better to just stand there and take it like a man, or Momma in this case.

Cassie is having a difficult time with the fact that Momma is now a shared resource. Chloe is OK with that so far. But Cassie is not pleased. She still has her nice moments. She'll offer the occasional snack and help with the occasional diaper change but for the most part, if Momma picks up Chloe, Cassie is mad. She has been a bit rough with Chloe. She's not hitting her; she's just being a great big kid who jumps up and down, swings her arms and legs, and doesn't quite understand how it feels to be on the other end of all those moving parts. She also doesn't understand the stress she causes with all the screaming and yelling. Momma is at her wits end, and Dadda is within a few inches of his. He's doing better only because Cassie's wrath has largely been directed at Momma. Momma has a great deal more patience than Dadda for such things but she's facing a full frontal assault, while Dadda just gets hit with shrapnel.

A few times last night we were worried that the hotel might kick us out. Yes, it's that bad.

We don't know where this is leading but we are hoping that the worst of it will pass when Cassie realizes that the situation is non-negotiable.

To Dadda's parents and his sister, he offers his apologies for his part in the sibling rivalry of years past. But he's pretty sure it was all his sister's fault because she's older. That kind of logic is perhaps a bit weak, but it has two very important merits:

1. It absolves Dadda of any responsibility.

2. His sister isn't here while Dadda types up this nonsense.

Meanwhile, we still love Cassie every bit as much as we always have. Here are some pictures of her in her more angelic state. For some reason, the camera doesn't pick up the halo over her head. Must be a flaw in the camera design. You'll just have to trust us that it's there.

"Momma, I wasn't born YESTERDAY. There's NO way that thing can fly. Only fairies can fly."