Thursday, September 16, 2010

A letter to Cassie, from Mommy and Daddy

Today Mommy took you and Chloe to Gymboree, just like any other Thursday. Today in class, everyone was pretending to be bears. Bears eat berries, leaves, and fish. The class leader, Miss Jen, had pretend berries, pretend leaves, and pretend fish placed everywhere so all the little bears could collect them and pretend to eat them. It was all very cute, and you and Chloe were your usual cute selves. While Miss Jen was setting up for another activity, you started carrying pretend fish to Mommy. Mommy shared a laugh with Miss Jen at the sheer cuteness of this act. But then Mommy noticed something odd. Even though these were only pretend fish, you were holding them by the tail, away from your face, very much like anyone might do if they didn't want to get any slimy fish goo on them. This was odd because as far as Mommy knew, you had never seen a raw fish or smelled one, much less seen how someone might carry them. Then things got serious. As you carried more and more fish to Mommy, you seemed to get scared. Something was wrong. With each one, you became more and more withdrawn, and more and more disturbed. Something clearly was bothering you. After that, you clung to Mommy for dear life for the rest of the class. Mommy wondered what you were thinking. It is in moments like these that we are reminded that we don't know everything about you. We don't know what life was like for you before you joined our family. You were 13 months old when you joined us. What were you doing two weeks before that? Two months before that? What experiences did you have? What people did you know? Who made you happy? Who made you sad? Who do you miss?

Clearly you had a memory today. But what was that memory? Was it is something that happened before we became a family? Were you scared? Or did you remember some people or place that you had forgotten. Or maybe you were thinking about something that happened before we became a family, and maybe that reminded you that you've had a lot of upheaval in your life. Maybe you're wondering if there is more upheaval to come. Or, maybe not. Maybe you just remembered that fish smelled funny, and were thinking really hard about why these pretend fish don't smell like anything. But then, why were you so upset, and so clingy afterward?

Whatever it is, Mommy and Daddy wish we knew.


Dana said...

((Hugs)) to you guys and Cassie. It is hard thinking about how much we don't know. Somehow as we get to know these little ones better it becomes so much tougher to deal with the unknown. We have had a few strange reactions with Makenna to and we wish we knew why.

Melissa said...

Oh my. What a sad experience for you both. I am just sitting here crying because you put it all so eloquently Sherry. We really don't know about the experience prior to having our girls with us. Darby has moments like that sometimes and I know she remembers or knows about something that I didn't teach her and it makes me very sad and curious about things I will never know the answer to.

J B & S said...

I was moved to tears by this sweet expression of love for your little girl. Our kids so quickly become a part of us, sometimes it's easy to forget they had a life before we met. Thanks for the reminder. ((hugs))